Communication is Key: Talking About Sex with Your Partner

Communication is Key: Talking About Sex with Your Partner

As we read about in previous blog posts, Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are teaches us that our sexual desire is a combination of turning on our “sexual accelerators” and turning off our “sexual brakes”. In other words; it takes clear communication between partners to understand what activates and deactivates our accelerators and brakes. Effective communication between partners will lead to better and richer sexual connection. For instance, Emily teaches us that desire is highly dependent on context, which includes the current circumstance as well as your mental and emotional state in the current moment.

What is a great context for sexual intimacy?

Imagine this scenario: it’s Friday night, you’re coming home from work, and your kids are at a sleepover with their friends. It’s the first time in months that you and your partner have been alone, so you take the opportunity to cook a nice meal together, have some wine, and talk with one another to de-stress from the work week.

Now imagine this second scenario: it’s Thursday morning, your baby kept you up last night with late-night feedings, there’s a mountain of laundry waiting to get done, and you have a huge presentation the following Monday you haven’t yet had a chance to prepare for.

In both scenarios, your partner may make an attempt to get intimate with you - in which scenario do you think you’d respond better? Probably the first one, right? You’re likely more present, more tuned in to each other’s rhythms, and therefore more willing to reciprocate your partner’s flirtations. This is when the best sex happens - when sexual desire meets a great context!

What makes a great context for me?

To understand what makes a great context for both you and your partner, I’d encourage you to try Emily Nagoski’s Sexy Contexts worksheet! It asks you to recall a positive sexual experience from your past and describe it, with the intent of uncovering what it was that made the experience so positive. Think about your findings, and talk to your partner and put it into practice. You might be surprised to realize that clear communication can deepen your sexual intimacy.

If you’re interested in learning more about effective communication skills to strengthen your intimacy with your partner, feel free to contact one of couples therpay therapists at Relationship Counselling Toronto for a free 15 minute consultation.