Understanding Spontaneous Desire vs. Responsive Desire
Understanding Spontaneous Desire vs. Responsive Desire
As we discussed in our previous blog post, it is important to understand your own sexual brakes and accelerators as a way to deepen sexual intimacy. When you experience more sexual desire than your partner, it often results in feelings of isolation, rejection, guilt and shame for both of you. In this second blog post of the blog series, we are going to discuss the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire based on Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are, in order to understand that different type of desire in a relationship is perfectly normal and ok.
Spontaneous desire is just that - it’s spontaneous. For some people, often men, it means that even just thinking a sexy thought can lead to the desire to have sex. This is what many people think of as the default or normal way to feel desire, but it’s not the only way. It’s about anticipation for great sex.
On the other hand, responsive desire needs a trigger. It’s when you begin to want sex only after sexy things have happened, like kissing or touching. It takes more than just seeing an attractive person or thinking a sexy thought, it takes the right situation or context to feel desire. This is typically how women experience sexual desire and arousal, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. It’s about responding to sexual triggers.
What if I have a different style of desire than my partner?
If you and your partner have different types of desire, you might feel like you’re not enough, or not right for each other. You might even start to wonder if something is wrong with you.
There is nothing wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with your relationship, and having different styles of desire does not mean that your sex life is doomed for failure.
All it really means is that you and your partner need to stay curious about what turns each other on! Be curious, and find out what kind of context or situation can help the responsive desire partner feel aroused. You may even take this curiosity and turn it into different ways of approaching the bedroom with your partner, and that’s great! That’s what keeps sex light and fun, so feel free to do so!
How do I find out what my desire style is?
If you’re unsure and want to figure out if you and your partner have a responsive or spontaneous style of desire, make some time to sit down and ask each other:
How often do you find yourself thinking about sex out of the blue?
Can you recall moments when you felt a sudden urge for sex without any external trigger?
What situations or contexts typically increase your sexual desire (eg. specific touches, romantic gestures)?
Do you find that your desire builds up in response to your partner’s advances or a particular situation/context?
Answering these questions will not only help you determine your style of desire, it will also help you learn what context the responsive style partner needs to become aroused.
And keep in mind that Emily Nagoski says, “sustaining desire isn’t about having a bridge to cross but about building a bridge together”.
If you need help building that bridge, please reach out to Relationship Counselling Toronto for a free 15-minute consultation. Our sex therapy therapists can help couples with differing desires improve their sex lives.
