Understanding What Turns You On and What Turns You Off
Understanding What Turns You On and What Turns You Off
In an intimate relationship, the ability to understand what turns you on and what turns you off is key to deeper emotional intimacy with your partner, more than just physical attraction. It offers an opportunity for deeper understanding and appreciation as we gain better awareness of each other’s likes and dislikes.
In this blog series, we will focus on teachings from Emily Nagoski, Ph.D’s book, Come As You Are, which offers many helpful insights on fostering healthy sexual intimacy. The first blog post will focus on the concept of sexual brakes and accelerators, then in blog 2 we will talk about the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire; finally, in the last blog, we will talk about communication as the key for a fulfilling and long lasting sexual intimacy.
Sexual Accelerator vs. Sexual Brake
Researchers Erick Janssen and John Boncraft created the “Dual Control Model” of sexuality, composed of the Sexual Excitation System, your sexual accelerator; and the Sexual Inhibition System, your sexual brakes. Your accelerator is just that - it notices sexually relevant information in your environment (maybe your partner is looking extra good today, or you’re watching a sexy movie), and it revs your engine, however subconsciously, to let your brain know that you should be getting sexually excited. Your brakes, on the other hand, notice all potential threats or reasons not to be sexually aroused (e.g., your kids walking into your room, exhaustion from work, stress), and tell your brain to decrease arousal and desire.
We all have our own accelerators and brakes, and according to this theory, arousal is the process of turning on our accelerators and turning off our brakes. This looks different for everyone. What turns us all on or off is completely different depending on the person and the context. On top of that, all of our accelerators and brakes have varying degrees of sensitivity, so there is no one-size-fits-all solution to creating sexual arousal in your partner.
What turns me on? What turns me off?
You have to be intentional in making an effort to understand what turns your accelerators on and turn your brakes off. It also helps to understand how sensitive both of your accelerators and brakes are, and the first step in figuring this out is by completing Emily Nagoski’s Sexual Temperament Questionnaire.
Emily Nagoski’s research tells us that we can begin this process by asking each other four simple questions:
⦁ What’s activating your accelerators?
⦁ How sensitive are they?
⦁ What’s hitting your brakes?
⦁ How sensitive are they?
If you would like to learn more about how to understand your own sexual accelerators and brakes, please contact Relationship Counselling Toronto to find out how our sex therapy can help you build a loving relationship with a fulfilling sex life
